Wooden Floor, Stained Glass

22 hours to my birthday (I was born exactly 5:15pm) and I’m felling a little on the down side. I went out for a walk down the village this afternoon to free my thoughts of these creeping worries slash anxiety. Is this caused by just the lack of sleep last night or by the fact that come tomorrow I am going to be 26 years young?

A year over a quarter of a life; and here I am in the city where I always thought I’d live out my greatest adventures- building a life (I wanted to say chasing dreams but that wouldn’t be the realist in me). I justified my little predicament due to the lack of sleep. I avoid thinking too much (don’t we all?). And to think that I may be having a quarter-life crisis would be a little over the top for me to take on.

No, it’s not a crisis.

A quick trip to Starbucks for a grande Tazo Zen tea and four uberlicious double chocolate chip cookies later, I relieved myself from the traps of such absurd idea of a quarter-life crisis (didn’t I say it was the lack of sleep?)...

But I still turn 26 tomorrow. Argh!

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Today’s just one of my happy days. I woke up to a cold, rainy morning, had a hearty breakfast, and danced to Abba’s “Dancing Queen” in the shower! Dear gawd, I almost fell too! I suggest you probably should not do it unless you have one of those ribbed rubber mats that you place over the tub’s slippery surface.

We had one of those waterproof am/fm radio. You could listen to music (or the weather report) while you do your stuff in the bathroom. So there I was in the shower, lathering up my thick dark hair with herbal essences’ pomegranate, lychee, and persimmon. I turn the radio on and I let loose trying to maneuver some made-for-the-tub dance moves first to “Dancing Queen” by Abba and then to Annie Lennox’s “Sweet Dreams”. I even dared to sway my body (with the trademark rolling of the hands) like one of the go-go boys at the Web. And that’s when I almost lost my balance when I slipped my foot. Alas, I was warned never to pull off such a dance move again…maybe not in the bathroom!

Later that day at work my manager asked me to go the HR office. I had no idea why. The next thing I know, I was given my promotion from recovery/design team player to young woman’s design sales associate. Totally psyched! I was then told to take the rest of the afternoon off. So I decided to meet my gal pal, Irina, and Mikey (who just came back from Paris. That sucker).

Oh, and I should also let you know that I finally got a slot as contributing writer for Gen P! (That’s Generation Pink to you!) I promised myself that if ever I get my first break into the magazine business it should be first, the gloss kind of magazine. Second, it has to be from the Philippines (I am proud to be Pinoy after all). And third, it should be as out and proud as I am. And what better way to fulfill all three than Generation Pink? The first and second issues are already out and still in the market (so grab a copy already!). The third issue will be out in February and in it my first article. That should make my birthday extra special. Oh yeah, doll! It’s so nice to be happy!

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My dearest olive juice,

Tonight of all nights that I have wrestled with thoughts of the past and hopes for the future comes to an end. I must quit you now or I will never truly move on. You were everything to me- my life, my heart, and my soul. If I were asked if I have felt the one great love in my life, I would smile sweetly and think of you- the way you looked into my eyes, the way you held my hand when I slept at night, and the way you’d lovingly scold me when I wronged you.  How wonderful the five years we’ve shared has been. It’s the greatest part of my life that I cannot and will not forget. Yes, how wonderful life was...now that you’re in the world.

Ours was a love that blossomed from friendship. I am thankful for that. It is rare and beautiful. We’ve had our splendid triumphs over the greatest of odds. And part of that was because we had each other no matter what. We held on strong and we held on with a passion for one another. You were always there even in my madness and I would be there to carry your burden. Truly ours was a love that is both beauty and madness. The joys and sorrows throughout our years have molded our relationship to withstand whatever odds we came to face. We breached family, friends, strangers, and enemies. You were my sword and I was your armor. We were the perfect warriors in the battlefield…we celebrated a love beyond expectations. And I have carved your name in my heart since then.

But time and chance had other plans. You had a dream to fulfill; a dream that I believed you would reach. But all my dreams have already come true with you. Your love was all I ever needed. My life was complete. And you were the world to me. I stopped chasing my own dreams now that I have found my only home. But I guess I’ve always known that someday I will have to let you go. You are made for bigger and brighter things. You have the whole world to conquer. That made me angry and upset. I dreaded thinking of the moment I would lose you in the crowd. I was jealous of one thing that I cannot compete with.  We’d fight because I felt that I was losing you… I would lash out at you and curse. I’ve gone crazy for you…again. I just didn’t want to let you go. I was selfish. I was selfishly in love.

You and I have grown since then. And we’ve managed to keep our friendship strong. That always puts a smile to my face. But deep down inside, there’s still this spark waiting to be ignited. I guess I never truly got over you. I was holding on. I promised you I would always be yours from the very beginning. It was my only secret. I have hurt myself and others because of this- because I cannot let go. I am my best with you…and my happiest. You would tell me then that nothing and no one can change what we have; that our love would always find a way. Then I realized that we are the only ones who can change it. I cower behind white lies.

Now that time has come to accept these changes in my life. I need to move on. I love you and I need to let you go. What we have will always be precious to me. I know you will cherish them in your heart. I never thought we’d make it this far. I am both happy and sad. My pain is now my own. And I will move on. Things will always remind me of you but that’s all they should ever be now… reminders of a one great love that will always be in my heart.

I love you. Farewell.

Your puppy

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Spending two hours at the gym doesn’t seem to be enough. After a full hour on the tread mill (which burned around 400 calories) and lifting several weights I unfortunately came up short in endorphins. So, I thought to myself, has the cold crisp winter ultimately taken over my mood swing? Argh! I want my endorphins now! And to think my libido’s been on a high too!

It’s been a toxic week (as my boo would call it) and a wet and cold weekend. But it’s going to be a lot more toxic this coming week. I recently opted to juggle two jobs to quickly fatten my savings account. Aside from being a Bloomy’s Boy, I will also be a “kargador” by night. Yeah, it’s a man’s job alright. Hah! And it’s going to give me a good excuse to flex those muscles. Hopefully I’ll squeeze in time to go to the gym and stock up on endorphins. But I must tell you, I dread becoming a gym bunny.

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I was walking my friend, Irina, to the bus stop yesterday when I came upon a creeping truth that I have become a home body. This could not be happening. But it is. This realization all started when I dropped by my former workplace to say hi to the girls. And I was really happy to see them (And so was happy boy! He doesn’t like where I work right now). I had nothing else planned so I agreed to wait on Irina. She would be out in half an hour. After we said our goodbye’s to the other girls, we headed to Diesel around the block to check out Diesel Guy (who’s still adorable as ever).

Here’s a note, I’ve had the longest crush on Diesel Guy ever since I first saw him several months back when I was buying sugar-coated cashew nuts outside the Diesel store. Last Christmas I ran into him at this bazaar in Union Square. And I almost mustered up my guts to come up to him and say hi. But then I froze right in my tracks. I wouldn’t want to ruin my little “crush” on him. I preferred ogling him from a distance. He’s only the guy I’ve had the longest crush on…well, aside from Stephen Fung.

Okay, back to my dilemma. We made a detour to a nearby Starbucks for coffee; hers for take out and none for me. We had our catching up with my usual random spouts about that guy cute guy who just passed by, how my semi-boss is still trying to set me up on random dates (as promised way before my bunny boo came into my life), or how adorable Diesel guy is. My Russian gal pal then asked me “What’s wrong, Jan?” (And I know it wasn’t just because my hair was down) To which I answered nonchalantly with a half smile “Nothing’s wrong. I’ fine.” I haven’t really thought about it then but a nagging feeling inside me knew that my rather perceptive friend is right. Aside from work, I haven’t gone out of the house for the longest time. “You just need to get out of the house”, she concluded.

For the past month I have not been out clubbing or drinking. I totally missed out hanging out with my friends, and I’ve botched a couple of plans to get out of the city. I did however, spent time with my family. I haven’t done that in a long time too. So, I guess that kind of validates my excuse for being a home body. So, I’m on a mission this weekend: Eat, drink, and be merry (not that I’m unhappy!) I just wish my boo were here.

We got my lil 3yo nephew this toy chest the other day. It had to be assembled so I had to wrestle in between screws, boards, and trying to figure out the instructions, which was in Spanish! Habla Espanol? Hell to the no! But my uncle duties have paid off. I was able to assemble the damn thing without a scratch on me. Here's a photo of Nico in his new toy box!

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I finally have one good reason to make an account at Live Journal. And his name is Ariel James Matela (*smoochies* boo!). Considering I have four online community accounts (Friendster, Downelink, Xanga, and Fabuloush) it’s hard updating all of them at once. I’ve gone accustomed to Friendster since most of my friends (gay and straight) are there. But this blog account makes for astonishing exception. Now, I don’t have to tell boo every time I have a new blog entry in Friendster. We can easily keep track of each other (‘s blog) right here!

There I was yesterday morning around 9:00 on the 7 train on my way to Flushing, Queens. I wanted to check out the new cards from Magic: The Gathering's new expansion, Ravnica, at one of the stores there. I packed my angel themed deck in my bag and cruised the subway listening to Stone Temple Pilot’s greatest hits album. They’re just one of the awesomely good alternative rockers of the 90’s. I know I was early. And I had to wait an extra hour for the store to open so I decided to get some stir fried seafood noodle in the nearby mall. I had chopsticks in my right hand digging in to my “long-life” dish and Eleven Minutes (by: P. Coelho) in the left. Some chapters and an empty dish later (and a side trip to the pet shop), the store owner finally opened and his shop and I was able to get a set of Watchwolf (which I am counting to make it big in type II). It’s a weenie white/green creature that’s good in the first several turns. I’m trying to enhance my green/white/black deck and as for my angel-themed deck? Well, he didn’t have the Firemane Angel I wanted.

It’s 37 degrees out and 2-inches of rain today. Argh! Can I just please stay in bed??? 2 hours before work and I’m already getting lazy. Groans!

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My names Jandi. I’m a 25 year old rice! living in New York City. I grew up in a small town back in the Philippines where I used to frolic in the white sand beaches dousing myself with banana rum and pina colada. Now, I’m a subway surfing urbanite who club hops on some nights and works as a Bloomie's boy during the day. I try not to get sucked in by the hustle and flow of this urban jungle while keeping a little bit of insanity. It’s my only means of relaxation 24/7.

I have been a rebel and a little insane for most part of my life. But despite my schizophrenic maturity, I strive to passionately conquer life and to embrace nothing less than the ordinary. My belief in the freedom of expression and the exhortation Be open to truth, from whatever source it comes has made me realize that closets are for shoes and clothes. I know that life does not offer rehearsals. So I live like it’s the last moment and love like it’s the first. 

My friends won’t argue that I’m unpredictable and come on as a typical Aquarian. I am a freedom-fighting, truth-seeking, self-proclaimed narcissistic jerk. But underneath the mask of frivolity I’m just a little dorky kid who still enjoys reading comic books, watching cartoons, and playing video games. I believe in freedom as much as I believe in love. My friends know the path I’ve been through. And no matter how bent or broken I am, I still try to live a good life. Everyone else can kiss my a--!

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